| i'm gone gone gone |
[20 Jan 2006|04:02pm] |
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I really don't update much anymore. But, if anyone still pays attention I'd just thought I'd let you know that on the 25th i'll be officially in San Francisco for good. Wish me luck.
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[24 Nov 2005|11:24pm] |
Lethargy seems to strangle my thoughts
It yields a lingering question of tangibility
Let downs and disappointments
The reoccurring spokesperson of my life
I’ve grown numb to anticipation
Retrospect now plays the losing role
As this epidemic called impulsiveness burns holes in pockets
Has anyone told you generosity is a short-lived fulfillment?
I live within an instantaneous jubilance I call “now”
Why is bided time for subsequent bliss such a hard idea to grasp
No excuses
I stand solely accountable
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[20 Nov 2005|12:27am] |
Amidst a transition, a blunder so angelic
I rested on her wings and wished to float away
We trailed the skyline inadvertently lost
But I admired her admittances
And reveled in her shameless beauty
We spat confessions at a hollow dream
As clouds fill our heads ; billowed in their own brevity
The wind kept us afloat though I didn’t quite comprehend
The punctuality of love’s devices
Tears swept away the past perceived
Beckoning new light to guide sought paths
And when it was finally time to let go
A clenched grip fell faceless from place
And Down I glared into unknown accord
Falling upward; blind to tangibility
Let me stay afloat amongst your absence
I’ll keep this feathered heart you’ve adorned me with
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| I found this thing i wrote like 4 months ago so i decided to share |
[06 Nov 2005|10:41pm] |
Of all the constant enigmas within my life, none is more prevalent than the topic of love. With the power to influence choices beyond rationality, love can emerge in the game of life anywhere from spontaneous bursts of uncontrollable bliss to deeply depressed binges of suicidal contemplation. Regardless of the situation love is inevitably there.
From the time adolescence hit I had already crowned myself a hopeless romantic, always on a constant search for the one person whom could make my life complete. Sadly, my soul mate bound crusade for complete and true compatibility was short lived. After spilling my guts countless times to countless girls and being thrown to the curb one after another, I came to doubt if there was ever such a thing as true love. How can two people feel the exact same way about each other and be in complete harmony. Is it really feasible? I doubt it. It is said that perfection within a person isn’t attainable, but what about perfection through another’s perspective? The idea of love might abruptly lead you to state this. Apparently there is a thin line between infatuation and love. Regardless ,down the road of a relationship ,inevitably flaws will begin surface. This brings up the issue of compromise. Maroon 5, a band, I believe says it best “It’s not always rainbows and butterflies, it’s compromise, it moves us along.” It’s true, in order to sustain a relationship with a person love is not the sole prerequisite and to think all this time, The Beatles and I had it wrong! Love wasn’t all you need.
Moreover, the issue of trust also plays a vital role within relationships. Face it, everyone at some point or another lies. Everyday, the average person dishes out anywhere from extravagant lies that mislead to little white lies simply to embellish a story or idea. Even concealing the truth can even be perceived as lying. All I have wanted for so long is a place where I can confide, a safe haven where no matter right or wrong it’s simply truth. I am baffled by the fact that this place so far is more of a fairytale land sought up by ante-disenchanted individuals than an actual, tangible entity. It is strange the ones we “trust” are the ones our minds are simply most at ease with. Relating back to love trust tends to solely surface within our minds when intertwined with emotional attachment. In turn, is it not strange that the ones we strive to trust inevitably possess something to doubt. With that said it seems we are left with two options. First, trust all until we are given reason to not trust or trust no one until trust is unmistakably prevalent. It would be hypocritical to “trust no one” if you can’t even be trusted yourself. So before trying to scope out others trust, you must place yourself among the trustworthy. In an abundant cycle we continually link trust to emotions and thus pain. Regardless of the pain we have all experienced when it comes to trust there inlays a lesson. In my case strong emotional attachment should never come into play until full trust is earned. Live your life for yourself and only by trusting yourself can you truly gain the trust of others.
So now love is just an illusion and tolerance its counterpart? No? So what is love then? Everyone has tried to define it. “Love is like a roller coaster baby, I wanna ride”. Some say love has its up’s and down’s. Others agree and in response say “It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.” But, others may retort; Is the longing we experience after a break up a mere mental necessity for compassion and comfort or are we truly in “love” with that person for more than just genetically pre disposed hormones. Some love what they never can have for the feeling of the unattainable is commonly related to love. Unknown love is more on an instantaneous feeling of excitement of new surroundings. You love the experience of the mystery of another. Why is it that the easily accessible are among the least desirable? What draws the line between infatuation and love? Who differentiates the idea of being love with a person and simply being in love with the mere fact you are in love? Toss the idea of having a soul mate. No one is out there waiting just for you. Not to mislead you, I do believe someone is out there waiting for someone just like you and I also believe you can find that person within thousands upon thousands of individual’s scattered across this world. No one is going to be there and give you every single bit of what you need. It’s impossible. Further, don’t ever try to change someone to fit that setting. Love is acceptance. No one is going to mold to your liking without giving up on a part of whom they are. All you can hope for is the opportunity to grow together.
Ultimately, love in my case can only be summed up when alluded to a sea of confusion. I am the boat trying to find land. Whatever my steadfast may be I know it’s out there. In this sea though I control the wind so as I make my way across this open ocean of opportunities I’ll keep an open mind knowing she is out there just beyond the horizon.
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| progress |
[16 Oct 2005|09:21pm] |
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i got my acceptance letter from academy of art today. Now, i just need to fill out the fasfa and schedule an appointment for Garren and I to go to SF to discuss financial aid and register our classes.
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[12 Oct 2005|10:26pm] |
I want to say i'm happy, but i think i'd be lying. I've thrown myself so much shit lately. I've been lazy, partied way too much, spent way to much money, owe way to much money. I don't know why I chose to have a girlfriend. I've been having random mood swings lately. I'm sick now. Oh i've decided on a different school now.
My roomate convinced me to apply to Art Academy in SF and i agreed. I just sent in my application two days ago. Basically i'm in since they accept most everyone and just have some sort of a trial period within the first 3 months of school. Good news is my roomates' uncle has decided to help him pay for his apartment, which means it helps me financially. Here is the big thing I don't like about Art Academy. It's expensive. I'm going to have to have financial aid. Which means that basically i'm a hypocrite. I've always said i'd never take financial aid because I felt it was ridiculous. We get ourselves in debt so we can make money in the future to pay that debt off. It's terrible, but I fell victim.
I'm a mess right now
But it's life.
I'm alive.
I can smile about that.
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| ah i'm tired. |
[07 Oct 2005|10:45pm] |
This weekend is off to a fun fun start. Paola and decided to go to mexico on thursday. We jumped in the car and drove down the 5 south to rosarito mexico. We got a room at La Corona hotel, which overlooked the beach. It was beautiful. We bought 2 bottles of Jose Cuervo that night for 9US dollars stole some limes and salt from the hotel kitchen and proceeded to get fucked. That night we went to this small club. We walk in and no one is dancing, that was about to change. Paola and I got up and rocked the shit out of that place with our dance moves and within seconds there were atleast 20 people up and dancing. People bought us shots and we had so much fun. The next day we went and sat out by the beach and tanned while this guy we met sang us caciones en espanol. that guy had such a good voice. then we went horse back riding. Riding on a horse on a beach while watching the sun set over the ocean of mexico really helps you to appreciate life. I just got back home. It's fun to think that this weekend is just begining. Tomorrow night we are all going to the Queen Mary for Shipwrecked 2005, and then on sunday paola and i are going down to anaheim to spend the night because my grandparents are visiting from florida.
oh and by the way anaheim is the home of a SONIC BURGER!!!!!!! fuck yeah...
How do I linger here with known conclusion,
Yet, love as if it were some steadfast
Perhaps an ode to this reoccuring feeling?
I long thought dead
I light heartly move forward on this self penatrating sword
Only to smile at the upcoming unbearable pain
Throwing lines of optimism
And reeling in nothing but hipocrisy
Lingering here amongst forseen inevitability
I fasify my intution and steadfastly love
Perhaps I'll credit this as an ode
To reoccuring sentiments I long thought dead
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[02 Oct 2005|02:02am] |
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If you ever get depressed watch american beauty.
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| livejournallivejournallivejournal |
[20 Sep 2005|02:44pm] |
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And so I’m back. Wow, I haven’t posted in quite a while. So let’s recap. I broke up with the last girl I was dating and later she found out I had kissed another girl in Texas while I was with her and has since gone psycho and wants me for dead. (takes a breath) It’s understandable to some extent, but I wish she would just move on and ignore it. I’m not that terrible of a person as she has made me out to be. But, if me being the bad guy gives her some sense of closure then I’m happy for her. Two weekends ago I got trashed to the point where I blacked out. I woke up with a terrible gash in my left shoulder and through the course of the week found out some pretty interesting stuff that I did that night. Good thing alcohol makes for a wonderful excuse for uneasiness between people. I’ve been going to clubs a lot lately since I started hanging out with my good friend/coworker Paola. I think I’ve gone a little overboard but I argue that I’m just making up for all the times I wanted to go and never made it because of unwilling friends. I’ve been taking better care of myself these days. I started working out again and getting sun when I can so I don’t look like a slave to the system I call Nordstrom. I’ve actually been conserving money, which is quite hard for some believe including me, but I am really confident that this dream of going to San Francisco will soon be reality.
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[06 Jul 2005|10:40am] |
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well hello there live journal companions. let's see. i just got back from texas and i had an amazing time. it was entirely relaxing and i needed that. I hung out with a bunch of my cousins, some i didn't even know i had which was fun fun stuff. Oh and I ate sonic burger for the first time which made my life.
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[28 Jun 2005|11:56am] |
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so. i'm sitting in the burbank airport right now waiting for my 12:30pm depature to TEXAS. this is a long needed vacation. I figured since i rarely update anymore now would be a good time. and to like the only person that reads this i just want to let you know i'll be thinking about you.
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[21 Jun 2005|11:49pm] |
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ahhhhhhhhhh
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[18 Jun 2005|11:05pm] |
mom: "brandon you're my only hope. like star wars. obie quan waddie you're my only hope."
i then walked into my room and shut the door
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[17 Jun 2005|04:28am] |
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this was an incredible night
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[13 Jun 2005|11:29pm] |
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i'm sick. i'm sick of everything. i'm sick of my home life. i'm sick of working a job where i can't do what i do best. i'm sick of my friends who don't give a shit about me. i'm sick of burbank. there are truly only like 5 things i'll miss about this place. i need to start fresh so badly right now and prove to myself that i can make it on my own.
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| Update Time |
[31 May 2005|01:03pm] |
Let's see. I feel as though life is not really progressing and simply transitioning at the moment. I need to still finish my application to Miami Ad School. I figure if I get that done soon a lot of this unkown tension will be lifted off my shoulder. For instance my mother will become less annoying because I'll have a count down of days until I don't ever have to see her again. I believe I'll be selling my car in the next week for around 1-2000 more than I spent for it. I'll be purchasing a friend's old car for 1500 and driving that around til I move to SF.(I can't bring a car). He's a mechanic so I mean if anything does go wrong he's liable, haha. With this next paycheck I'll be paying off my last Credit Card and will enter the land of completely debt and payment free (except my cellphone). With the extra money I'll have from the car I'll have about 3000 saved up for school.
Nordstrom's Sale Starts: JUNE 8 so come down and buy some shoes from me. Think of it as a contribution to my education haha. ahhhh I can't wait to make 3,000 dollars that pay period
On a more frivilous side. Wicked Starts June 17th and I still haven't got tickets. I swear i'll only sit orchestra middle. My mom is under the impression that we can just go up thirty minutes prior to seating and ask if any season ticket holders didn't show and buy there amazing seats for dirt cheap. I mean we did it for Les Miserables but I don't want to press my luck. Ah I hope I'm impressed with the show I think I might have my hopes up to much from listening and watching videos from the original broadway cast. I saw some of the London Cast's videos and THEY ARE TERRIBLE.
Anyone still alive out there?
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